I’m turning 30, and one of my great worries surrounding this milestone comes down to the silly question of: How am I going to celebrate my 30th birthday?
The answer to that question shouldn’t matter, really. I mean, I’m not turning 13 and worried about how my guest list reflects my position in the distressing, all-consuming social hierarchy of the teen years. Also, aren’t I a little old for birthday parties? Rather, aren’t I past the point of needing everyone to know and celebrate and recognize, loudly, with balloons and presents and sugary sweets, that I’m turning one year older?
I should be.
But, then I think about how so many other people ring in their 30ths in such grand and wonderful ways:
My sister and her husband spent five days in Punta Cana. A dear friend scheduled a weekend six months in advance at a beautiful beach house in Oregon for a group of roughly 10 ladies from all walks of her life to come and relax and enjoy and celebrate. This year, I attended two small, sweet, wonderfully thoughtful surprise 30th birthday parties for two of my closest friends, who were both moved to tears when we all yelled, “Surprise!” My old roommate has announced she’s heading down to Columbia for her 30th in January, and anyone who wants to can come along!
I hear these plans; I attend these parties—and part of me desperately wants something similar.
And yet, here’s the thing: in my heart of hearts, I don’t want to plan a damn thing for my 30th birthday. I don’t want to be responsible for throwing myself a soiree, organizing a dinner, picking a restaurant or bar, or indirectly begging friends and family to shell out money and time and energy all to sit around and watch me blow out candles.
In truth? I kind of want someone else to do all of that for me. (I admit, this is, again, when I can’t help but think to myself, Hm, now would be a really nice time to have a boyfriend/significant other.)
I must be careful, though. Because, if allowed, if pressed too long and too hard, this one thorn could rip me completely open, fully exposing my vulnerability about bringing in 30 all by myself.
And that, I think, is why I am so dodging the “What are you doing for your 30th birthday?!” question. I don’t know, damn it, so don’t ask.
My birthday falls on Epiphany, just 12 days after Christmas, just six short days after New Year’s. Everyone is broke, tired, hung over, and overfed from the holiday frenzy. No one, really, wants to drag themselves out on a dark, frigid January evening to spend even more money and eat even more food and drink yet another bottle of champagne.
And that is partially why I never make a big deal about my birthday. Everyone’s buggered, and I feel badly asking them to rally just to satisfy my fleeting need for the spotlight. Shouldn’t it be enough that I just take myself to a nice yoga class, hear far-away “Happy birthdays!” from family and a few friends, maybe eat a good dinner, enjoy a pricey glass of pinto noir, and savor a slice of something sweet?
I write this…but, in the back of my mind, a small part of me is screaming. Even if it comes at an inopportune time of year, my birthday is still worthy of celebration, isn’t it? Those I love should still want to raise a glass in my honor, yes?
I have spent most of 2010 giving toasts and writing cards and buying presents and arranging or attending parties for other people. I have tremendously enjoyed all of these occassions; I have felt so touched to be included. And all the while, I admit, I have thought, “In 2011, the tables will turn. I will do something extravagant to celebrate me for a change.”
I don’t know what that extravagence will be yet. I don’t know if it will come on January 6 or not. I couldn’t tell you who all will be there with me.
Still, I must keep faith. I must remember that, at day’s end, I am enormously loved and treasured and celebrated by so very many.
And really, at 30, I shouldn’t need a cake and party hat to prove it.
What you should want doesn’t matter. Have what you want. It’s your birthday. And even if it does fall at an ostensibly bad time of year for parties, fuck it. The people who love you won’t mind. They want to break a resolution to help you ring in a big birthday, silly girl.
Thanks, Dorothy. I wish you lived close enough to come ring in the big birthday with me!!
30 was tough for me as well. I was single (still am). I wanted it to be a big celebration, because if it wasn’t, I knew I’d have too much time to think and sit alone on my couch crying while eating raw cookie dough. If you feel like making it a big celebration will make it easier to pass the 30 mark without a significant other, then make it a big deal. Make it what you need it to be so you don’t look back on 30 as a bad birthday. Surround yourself with friends and family and allow yourself to feel blessed for having them. People will show up if you have a party, or an intimate dinner, or wine and movie night at your house. Trust me, it may come at an inconvenient time of the year, but those who care about you will be there for you.
P.S. I dreaded turning 30, but it has been one hell of a good year. Don’t dread it, embrace it.
“Make it what you need it to be”—that is such perfect advice. Now, I just have to figure out what that need is.
Damn right your birthday is cause for celebration! Regardless of what day of the year it falls on! It’s your day and that’s special. I completely understand how you don’t want to plan anything. I am turning 30 next year and am already contemplating if I should do something big. In part I feel, what’s the big deal? I will do whatever makes me feel good that day, no planning. But the other part of me wants a party and love all around and to be the center of attention, even though I really don’t enjoy being at the center of attention.
I bet you, Hannah, it will be a beautiful and wonderful day. Make it YOUR day, do whatever the hell you want and I bet you all your amazing friends, who can be there, will be there.
EXACTLY—I essentially could have written this comment verbatim. I totally go through waves of “What’s the big deal?” and then immediately have waves of “But I want a big party!!!” So bizarre. But, ultimately, I know I just want to be surrounded by love. Here’s hoping I can make that happen easily enough.
your birthday is absolutely cause for celebration! i think with people like us, “planners”- those that love planning and organizing these things for others, it can be tricky to sit back and maybe even ask that someone else do the planning. but you’re totally not wrong for wanting that. your loved ones love you! they’ll celebrate with you. maybe even leave this post up on their computer screens you know, accidentally.
Ohhh, Meg. You just put it perfectly. (Everyone is leaving such great comments today!) I am totally one of those natural planners, and so, yes, it is really tricky/difficult to ask someone else to do it for me.
All I have to say is I know, I know.
Especially as someone who celebrates her birthday on January 9th.
Especially as someone who managed to avoid, no not avoid, do a little bit of dodging of the 30th birthday thing by deciding that would be the day I fly home from a faraway place.
You know, the day after I think is when you really realize it doesn’t really matter.
Oh but how I wish along with you that someone else would do a little sumthin sumthin for me even during that kinda awkward time of year. It’s a perfectly reasonable request, in my opinion.
I am pretty sure you will have an amazing birthday. I can’t wait for your reflections on the day after.
A fellow Capricorn! Yay!
And believe me, given how many reflections I’ve indulged in BEFORE the big day, I am quite certain I will have many, many after it, too.
I don’t know the REAL you, I just read your blog, but I just KNOW your peeps will outdo themselves for you on your “DAY.” I just know it.
One of the problems with birthdays, for me anyway, is that they are just one DAY. It’s such a short time to cram in all the celebrating, the love-ins with friends near and far, the symbolic rituals that need to be performed (especially for this milestone b-day!) like time to do a “very special yoga practice,” or to have media-fast, or a long meditation day or whatever. So my suggestion is to declare yourself a birthday MONTH (that’s what I do), or if you are less meglomanical, at least a measly week for goddsakes! Start on the 6th, but keep going!!! s-t-r-e-t-c-h it out! Yay-uh! :>
Kath, this comment is amazing! Thank you!! I love your idea of doing a birthday month—in truth, I’d never even considered it, although I have a few friends who also celebrate their big day all the month long. It would certainly ease up the pressure on packing everything in to one day!
I’ve been following you since reading an article you wrote about Bikram yoga. Great blog! I can totally relate -my birthday is December 29th – stuck between the two holidays. It seems like celebrating it is always a nuisance for everyone and it bothers me so much! I would love a surprise party but my husband hates them so even though I try to tell him how much I want one, he can’t get over his dislike
He has been told that instead of a gift, he has to plan something nice. Some years are better than others 
This year is the big 35 for me! The downhill ride to 40 begins – ugh!
Thank you so much for commenting, Amie! “Some years are better than others” is like the motto of my birthday past. And that’s probably the way of it, right? Birthdays can’t always be spectacular. But, I’m hoping 30 is pretty stupendous.
What a perfect way to put this. Every birthday I feel so many of the same things. Shouldn’t I have a birthday party, and cake and friends and a dinner out? But shouldn’t I NOT have to plan it? I hate organizing my own birthday things. People always have work or other excuses and you usually end up feeling worse than had you not bothered trying lol. But I think there’s a lot to be said for just taking the day as it is, relaxing, enjoying some nice wine and a slice of cake, and being thankful for the handful of people whose love and friendship we’re lucky to have – on birthdays and any day
Happy almost 30!!
I’m just over organizing things in general after this past year!! And I totally agree—if you don’t dole out all the energy planning, then you don’t feel so badly when people can’t make it.
you don’t neeeeed a cake and a party hat, but wanting is a world away from needing
i say celebrate in any way you want to, whether in a silver slinky dress with heels sharp enough for mountain climbing (if you’re into that stuff) or in some hot shorts and revealing top amidst barely clothed peeps lying very close to each other, checking themselves out in the mirror while drinking….water. aka Bikram yoga. get your mind out of the gutter, lady.
Or not. oOOoh male strippers? wait, are there hot male yogis in your studio? if so, there’s no need to go find Chip and Dale dancers. just…hold off on tucking in a dollar bill in their yoga shorts
Ahhh, amazing. Thanks for the laughs, lady.
The most important thing to do is to do what makes you happy.
When you do what you like and what you want there is no need for 30 year crises and such.
You have wonderful years in front of you!
I am definitely out to avoid any and all crises!
If I was in the area, I’d raise a glass to you, lovely. In fact, I’ll do it from CA. Your friends and family would most definitely support you. It’s 30!
I wish you lived here, Amy. I have no doubt we would enjoy several raised glasses together!
Don’t feel guilty for wanting what you do. Everyone wants to feel loved. Exceedingly loving and giving people oftentimes put themselves and their needs on the back-burner (and I think, as a result, are often taken for granted), and from the little I’ve read of you, it sounds like you fall into that. Celebrate your birthday how you want to, however that is. Those who love you know you’re worth it. As long as it is full of joy and celebration, you’re doing it right.
You get me, Vie. You get me. Yes, I’m definitely more of a giver than a taker. And, yes, at times that makes for a rough road. But, I know no other way.
my 30th will be july 2. i’m a little ambivalent about it, too; it’ll be my first birthday as a DIVORCED WOMAN. ‘course, in other years when i’ve been weirded out by my birthday, i’ve invoked the convenient excuse of not having a birthday party, but a protracted fourth of july celebration. handy timing and all. this past year, my boyfriend, his roommate and two of our friends just did a small dinner on my birthday proper. the big party was thrown at the guys’ place for the 4th. it works well.
my rule on birthdays is simple: i’m an only child, so i’m quick to admit that i always kinda feel like the world revolves around me. but birthdays should be the one day each year when the world really does revolve around you. so do exactly whatever the hell you want, no apologies. it’s a day designed to commemorate your existence on this earth. it’s special. rock it how you want. no one can tell you differently.
“Rock it how you want.” Awesome. I’ve always been so envious of summer birthdays. Such a great time of year to celebrate, versus stinkin’ January!!
Get thee to Chicago (or maybe even D.C.) and you won’t have to lift a finger.
We’ll have a lovely little group & dinner & drinks and it’ll be SO NICE!!
Personally, I never do anything but dinner for my birthday.
Awww, thanks, lady! Spending my birthday in Chicago or Washington, DC sounds faaaaaabulous. Two great cities, many great people with whom to celebrate. What a stellar idea…
I hear you. I just turned 40 last week and I too would have loved for someone to have planned the whole thing out for me, but in the end I planned my own thing but let friends sort of fill in the details. Meaning when I had a beach party, I had a friends say, “do you you have a cake?” In which case I didn’t so they ended up getting me one. Actually, I had several. lol! I’m glad in the end I planned things myself because I ended up having the best birthday I’ve ever had. and it was a 2 part shin dig. I hope something fabulous happens for yours!
Your 40th sounds amazing, Tonya. I can only hope for something so wonderful for my 30th!!
You are such a selfless person and I sincerely hope your friends realize all you do for them. I’ll toast you from far away!
I don’t even remember how I spent my 30th birthday, not because it was *that good* in *that kind* of way, but because living a good and memorable life happens every day, not just on the ones with candles. Annual milestones, like the entirely arbitrary years of 16, 21 and the rest of the ensuing decades ending in zero, as well as Hallmark holidays and landmark events are seriously overrated. And I’m not being cynical, truly. I just think about these Liz Phair song lyrics: “Listen here, young lady. All that matters is what makes you happy…”
I spent my birthday dragging 2 friends to Bikram (I’d invited 10, and 2 came) because I just wanted to share that part of my life with them. My mother cooked for us at her house, my 8 other friends turned up, and we had us a grand ole meal. Another friend brought two tiny dogs that she was watching for another friend over. We laughed a lot. It was such a good day. That’s what I remember from my 30th, just over a year ago. Every time I think of it, I feel warm and fuzzy inside. Oh, any my birthday cake had a picture of a pony on it.
It took 2 days to plan. So don’t sweat it!
Funny that I can across this tonight – I am turning 30 tomorrow (Jan 6) too
and I don’t have any big plans – just a little family get together. Not very often that you come across someone else with the same birthday!