Why not?

I’m not going to say everything I want to say.  I’m not able, just yet, but I will, in time, if you give me time.

I’m not on top of all the things I want to be on top of—I still want to sign up for a drawing class, and I still want to learn how to play my damn guitar, and I still want to make my sister something special for her new baby girl, and I still want to write the poem that’s wedged like a splinter in my heart.

I’m not quite sure I’ve chosen the best path, but it’s the road I’ve taken, and I am determined to enjoy the scenary.

I’m not always good at smelling the roses, but I’m working on at least seeing them.  That’s where it all begins anyway.

I’m not going to apologize for loving the ones I chose to love.

I’m not ever going to see her in the same light, but that’s okay, because I know people change.  I’m just not convinced the change is for the better.

I’m not about to settle—so stop waiting for me downshift into your gear. 

I’m not one to ignore my body, but I do wish I could tune out all its aching and cracking and burning and screaming.  I’m not taking another “Fitness Fusion!” class ever, ever, ever again.

I’m not the first to speak, but I’m always, always listening.

I’m not sure when it will all get better, when the uphill hike will ease and flatten and straighten.  No, I’m not certain—but I’m hopeful.

I’m not asking for much, when you look at the big picture, but I’m not sure you see that picture, or if you even see me, or if you want to, but somehow, still, I’m not ready to give up, not quite yet. 

I’m not going to tie myself into knots over you, or anyone else, for that matter.

I’m not, come to think of it, a woman of knots. I excel at the untangling. 

Watch me—I will unthread you, too.

And then tell you who I really am.

——————

Thanks to a few lovely ladies for the inspiration.

15 responses to “Why not?

  1. It’s a constant unthreading, unraveling, isn’t it? I don’t think we’ll ever get to the end of that ball of yarn, but there is comfort in knowing we’ve taken it up and are working it through. That’s the hardest step.

    Such a lovely comment. Thank you, Elisa. I’d rather a constant unthreading than a constant knotting, that’s for sure!

  2. unraveling. Never ending unraveling. I love your last lines…..I will unthread you too.
    Write that poem….you are doing the world a disservice not to write it. You have so much to give….with your words…with yourself.
    Have a great week Hannah!!

    Thanks, Michelle. Your sweet support positively radiates across the many miles!

  3. Hmm. That’s an interesting list. And while I’m definitely one for telling you what I’m not, I wonder whether what we are isn’t even more interesting. I’m sure I’d like to see your list of ‘am’.

    My list of “am”… Ah yes. That will be the next post, for sure.

  4. PS – something odd seems to be happening to my comments. I’m not sure how or why, but italics seem to be appearing in the oddest places and can’t figure out why.

    Ha! Yes, I’ve been noticing that. I fixed it in the HTML of the comments. Really odd, though. I think any time you use an italics, it gets all wacky…??

  5. amen to michelle – definitely write that poem! it’ll feel so nice when you get the words out.

    Poetry isn’t exactly my strong suit, but we’ll see. Thanks for the encouragement. :)

  6. You have a way of making lists beautiful and eloquent. And for as many things as you’re not, I know one thing you are: you’re human. And as humans, none of us are perfect. =)

    “I’m not perfect.” I definitely should have added that to the list! But, there’s an odd perfection in the imperfect, if you ask me. :)

  7. What a wonderfully written list. :)

    “I’m not the first to speak, but I’m always, always listening.”

    I think we’re going to get along :)

    Ooo, fun! I like getting along! :) Thanks for stopping by, lady.

  8. I love this. I could probably read it every day of my life and benefit. Lovely!

    My oh my, thank you!

  9. This is a fabulous list. I enjoyed it when Kyla did it too.

    I love that you’re enjoying the path you’re on, even while not settling.

    It’s such a great meme idea. As is the notion of doing an “I am” list. You should do this meme, too! :)

  10. This is so beautifully put, “Watch me—I will unthread you, too.”

    Your words just wrap around me in the most beautiful way, I love your blog!!

    What a compliment, coming from you, Kyla. Thank you!!

  11. I have been so fired up with projects and stuff to do… today I’m celebrating a day to be and not do. Of course, I’m at work, and will work in the garden later, but I’m going to stake out time this afternoon to purposefully NOT do.

    We need the days of purposefully NOT as much as the days of purposefully DO. Good for you!!

  12. Lovely, lovely post. As always, your words are both eloquent and strung together perfectly.

    And, as always, I’m flattered by your kindness. :)

  13. I think you should make a rule for yourself, no fitness classes with exclamation points in their names.

    Great post!

    Um, yeah, that rule is now firmly set in stone. Gyms are now my new nemesis.

  14. As with most things, when it comes to untangling, sometimes the hardest step is the first one. Eventually you get yourself to the point where you can see things many moves ahead.

    Very, very true. To begin is oftentimes the toughest part, right?

  15. such a sweet post of “nots.”

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