A rant: The “be” mantras.
I’ve noticed a theme of late: The “be” mantras.
In other words, people telling me to “be” XXX. Or even me telling myself to “be” XXX.
It’s starting to drive me a little nuts.
For example:
In yoga today, as I struggled to regain my breath and my footing after an intensely strenuous Baptiste flow series, as I tried to settle and calm myself, the instructor walked past me and said quietly, “Be in the moment. Just relax.” Now, I know it’s her job to tell me this, but still, I wanted to just collapse into child’s pose, press my forehead against my towel, and scream, “I am in this moment! Why the hell do you think I’m breathing like a dolphin over here?!”
Every day that passes in this job hunt, someone says to me, “You need to be patient.” This “be” mantra is probably my favorite, because each time a person says it, I actually find my impatience level spike dramatically. The very word “patient” makes me even more restless. How’s that for ineffectiveness? Maybe if people starting telling me to just be impatient, then I’d see better results? Hmm.
Right after giving me the patience pep-talk comes, “You need to be aggressive.” At this, I usually start listing in my head all the ways I already am “being aggressive” in looking for a job. Sending e-mails to men and women I don’t even know but whose names were given to me from friends or friends of friends. Searching nearly a dozen different job boards and sending myself position after position that looks even the slightest bit appealing. Asking every damn person I meet or see if they know of anyone who’s hiring, who has publishing contacts, who needs a good, strong writer/editor on their team. Telling myself, at the end of yet another quiet day, that I must keep trying, even if the phone is silent and the In Box is empty.
It is in these moments that I start my own “be” mantras, such as, “You need to be happy.” As in, I made this huge move because I wanted it. Plain and simple. Hopeful, eager, experienced and well-educated, I convinced myself I’d succeed in landing a job, finding an apartment, and settling myself quickly and contentedly within a matter of weeks. Seeing as how that hasn’t happened and we are approaching the end of week three, this “You need to be happy” mantra has become all the more important.
I hate that I have to remind myself of it, though, you know? How happy are you, really, if you’re telling yourself to be so?
But I guess we’re always giving ourselves little pep talks like this, right? After all, if we can’t be our own loudest and best cheerleader, we’re in trouble. (Even if we have a devoted yoga teacher whispering in our ears that ego—and feeding that ego—can be our worst enemy.)
Last night, over a dinner of Irish soda bread and honey and hanger steak and red wine, I talked with a dear friend of mine about how I’m struggling in trying not to be so terribly hard on myself regarding this job search. Anyone who knows me well knows I am a punishing and fierce critic of myself, and being unemployed and facing silent rejection isn’t helping. Case in point: I question my decision, I fret over my resume’s soundness, I second-guess each job I apply for, I worry I’ve left behind a great life.
So, maybe, just maybe, it is that much more important that, annoying as they may be, I listen more to these “be” mantras.
Be patient—with myself and this horrible process. Be in the moment—in my beautiful city, with my lovely sister and brother-in-law and friends, with a strong sense of self and worth and want. Be thankful—I made it here, to this moment, in one piece.
Be happy—I am one step closer to making my Boston life happen.